Whether you've just adopted your first puppy, or are enjoying your dog's senior years together, we all know that trust is the most important part of your bond with your dog. Without that trust, even the most simple dog training doesn't work.
So how do you build trust with your dog or puppy? Discover the most critical component in building trust with your dog: failure.
If you were to ask me what is the greatest tool for learning and growing, I would have to say it's the luxury of a proper failed experience. It's actually a luxury that is denied to many of us, either by ourselves or through the actions of others.
Discover how failing properly can be the ultimate builder of trust in a relationship with your dog, and how to grow that trust into a strong, healthy lifelong bond.
Dog Life Mirroring Our Own
My daughter, River, recently had a Very Bad Day.
River, now 17 (wtf), had a tough day cleaning her room, which was stressful. Unbeknownst to me, she was also worried about a Chemistry test she thought she failed. The final straw was spilling bleach on her favorite hoodie.
She was overwhelmed, with some problems I knew about (her room) and others I didn’t (the hoodie and the test). Tears came, and she shut down.
Here’s the best advice I can give:
Whether with dogs or kids, remember they're not giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time.
I choose to support River through her hard times. Though I was frustrated about her messy room, the room was just a thing; she is my child.
I didn’t clean her room for her. Instead, I sat with her, gave her a hug, and told her I loved her. We had cookies, and once she felt better, she finished her room.
She admitted to spilling bleach on her hoodie and struggling with her test.
I didn't fix her failures for her. Instead, I gave her a safe space to fail, learn, and grow. My role wasn’t to fix her failures but to love her and guide her.
Success and failure are both crucial for growth, which is the real goal—not just success or avoiding failure.
Failing With Your Dog Successfully
Your dog needs a safe space to fail as well. They need to learn and grow from the mistakes they make, not be terrified of what will happen if they do make a mistake.
If my dog jumps on me, I don't try to bribe them to stop with a treat, nor do I ignore the behavior and "turn my back to them until they stop". Again, they get a gentle negative from me. If my dog is barking and won't stop, they don't get a shock from an e-collar. They get a gentle negative, directly from me.
Yes, it would have been so much easier on me if I could have put a shock collar on River, and every time her bedroom got messy, I zapped her (it's okay, only on the lowest setting).
Or maybe try to bribe a teenager with candy bar? Perhaps ignore their behavior until they turn themselves around?
I'm not my dog's punisher, so I will never use a shock collar. I am not my dog's enabler, therefore I will not try to bribe my dog with treats to end their negative behaviors. I am my dog's mom.
Only your mother will tell you when your face is dirty.
The Power of Failure: Creating Healthy Dog Behavior
By creating a fear-free place for our dogs to make mistakes, they are more willing to put themselves forward and achieve greater things. Imagine what you would attempt if you had no fear of failure, but merely had the opportunity to learn from your mistakes. What could you achieve? How many ways could you grow?
Healthy dog behavior is based upon two factors: levels of impulse control and anxiety. Never receiving natural consequences or negatives for unsavory behavior does not help to build impulse control. Receiving a startling, scary, or painful response to mistakes can lead to high anxiety.
Remember, your job is to help guide your dog through their negative behaviors to a positive outcome until they are able to navigate the way for themselves.
Guiding Your Dog's Behavior Rather than Punishing
So how does this work in real-time with dogs? Here are some examples from my own life with Hazel and Arwen.
Hazel is 1.5 years old. She's just coming out of her adolescent phase, and becoming a wonderful adult dog. But I'm not going to say there weren't hiccups along the way, or maybe I should say some necessary failures.
For example, her recall wasn't naturally great. Her Aussie ADHD would kick in quite frequently in outdoor settings. So my options were to either never have her off-leash at dog parks and such, hope that eventually she'd turn herself around and figure it out for herself, or shock her when she didn't come when called.
But there's another choice: allowing her to fail by not coming when I called, and then me Piloting her responses.
And that's exactly what I did.
Controlled myself: I made sure that I wasn't rushed or in a bad mood. I had some time to spare so I could get this right.
Controlled the situation: We started off in an abandoned soccer field near my house. It's mostly fenced in, but I also tied a long rope (20 ft) to Hazel's collar, ensuring I could catch her if necessary.
I let Hazel loose, and let her run around a little bit. I called her and...
Rather than being forced to chase her around, I simply stepped on the rope, which stopped her progress, and called her again. She came to me and received a positive. I allowed Hazel to fail like this over and over, until soon she understood that running away when called would be negated. Every. Single. Time.
This is failing properly. My dog was allowed to make mistakes that didn't end with life-altering consequences for failure, but rather these failures helped my dog understand not only what I wanted, but what behaviors were unwanted.
I never set her up for catastrophe (ie., not controlling a situation near cars or where she could run away), but rather I safely set up a dog training situation where my dog was expected to fail positively, without fear of pain or punishment. I created a safe place for learning and growth.
Rather quickly, she was able to master her impulse control issues off-leash, and even more fun things were able to happen with her, such as visits to the beach and hanging out at the dog park.
She was never afraid of my response when I was working through this behavior with her. She knew when she failed, but she wasn't afraid of failing, but rather, accepted it and moved on with new information on how to succeed.
Soon she knew what not to do, as well as what to do, knowing I would help guide her.
Celebrating Your Dog's Success
Of course, with all this talk of failing, we need to talk about what to do when success happens.
For Hazel, initially, when she came as called, she received a heap of praise, followed by a treat. Sometimes I'd let her free immediately, other times she'd have to heel next to me for a bit before I'd let her go. I'd keep doing this catch-and-release method until I tapered off the treats (but never stopped the praise).
For River, it turned out that she didn't fail her chem test ("only" got a B-), she's decided to keep her hoodie, even with the bleach stains, and her room is clean (7 days in a row!). I'm proud of her, and I never miss an opportunity to tell both my girls that I'm proud of their failures and their accomplishments.
As Empress Catherine the Great said:
Praise loudly, scold softly.
Whether it be leading a country to greatness, or simply raising healthy dogs and kids, the advice is sound.
The Darwin Dogs Training Promise
Most dog owners are confused about how to work with their dog’s behaviors, so we created a dog training method focused on simple and effective techniques based on trust because every dog deserves to be the Best Dog Ever.
If you feel it's time you worked with a professional dog trainer who focuses on behavior and training, find out more about our services in the Greater Cleveland/Northeast Ohio Area here.
Canine behavioral coaching is also available for those outside the Northeast Ohio area. Check out our coaching packages here.
